“The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world.  He was in the world, and though the world was made through Him, the world did not recognize Him.”

Some of the best weeks I spent as a teenager were at a place called “Camp Joy”.  It’s a place for people that the world usually tosses aside, mocks, or ignores but at this place they are the main attraction!  Camp Joy is a special time each summer where men and women who are mentally (and often physically) disabled come for a week to experience a camp that is just for them.   Camp Joy taught me the real meaning of the world JOY:  Jesus, Others, Yourself.  When you live putting these things in the correct order you will experience JOY.

JOY is not based on circumstances, as happiness is.  JOY comes from the ONE who came to save us, JOY comes from the LIGHT of the world who stepped into darkness to SHINE in our lives.  But it seems that during this time of year when lights are everywhere, that the world gets darker.  The war rages between “Christmas” and “holiday” and those who celebrate the birth of the Savior are told they cannot sings songs proclaiming His birth in deference to “tolerance” of those who do not recognize the LIGHT of the world.  People have been injured and have even lost their lives for a pair of shoes, a giant television or other must have items.  I do not see JOY in this season, though everywhere you see the signs “Peace on earth, Goodwill to men” and in the places where it is allowed “JOY to the world.”

Over two thousand years ago, it was an almost ordinary night, except for one extraordinary thing:  “The Word became flesh and made His dwelling among us.” The reason that we can experience JOY had come to the world in between hectic comings and goings and busyness and corruption (much like our world today).  Into the midst of bickering and arguing and self righteousness, a tiny baby was born with a destiny to change the world.  He would bring our hearts peace, He would be the reason for our JOY.

JOY is not just a magic word for me, it is a daily reminder of who I need to be and who I need to focus on.  Jesus is the light of the world.  He has come to bring light in the darkness.  He is the ONLY one who will give JOY to a hurting world.

Sometimes JOY is a choice because it is not always easy to keep the order correct.  Sometimes I take my eyes off the LIGHT and focus on the darkness.  I have to make the decision every day to choose JOY.  And this year while the world rages and the angel voices are lost in the madness, I choose JOY.

Same street, but more sky, which is what initially grabbed my eye.  I didn’t really do anything to this one except crop the street out just a little bit.  Used a setting on the camera to darken the sky contrast.

What really motivated me to head out with the camera today were these fire hydrants they were running on the street today.  I just thought, “wow, who would take a picture of that?”  Well, you see the answer to that.  All I did to this one was move the contrast just a tad to cut down the sun glare.  I had to shoot fast because they were trying to turn the hydrant off!  I first saw one gushing two blocks down and by the time I got my camera, they had turned that one off, but I saw water was still running so I drove up farther and they were just turning that one off, then I kept driving and found this one flowing freely.  By the time I parked on the other side of the street, the workers had come to shut this one off, so I begged them to leave it on just a little longer.  They acquiesced to my request.  Thank you.

And this is perhaps my favorite hydrant shot.  I did a lot of contrast on it and really took almost all of the color out by adjusting the contrast and brightness.  I like it because of the shadow and the slight view of the guy’s hands as he was turning off the water flow!  The workers were really nice and said they hoped I made a lot of money off my strange photography and gave me their names and numbers for their share of the money, since they technically made the shots happen!

I hope you have enjoyed this photo edition of facesintheclouds!

I am very glad to have participated in this challenge and what it means personally to me, is that I can tackle a big job and finish it.  I always say I am not a novel writer.  I like short and sweet, you know, this blog is never over 500 words.  I like seeing how few words I can use to get all my thoughts out, so writing 50,000 words and finishing a novel was a very daunting task, but I did it!   And it feels great, just let me tell you.  Before I started, I read that less than 20% of people who started the National Novel Writing Month adventure finished and I honestly thought I’d be in that percentage, but then as I realized that I could do it, it became a competition with myself to push myself and make it happen.

Thank you all for your kind words and encouragement, especially Kathie and Margarita who almost every day asked me if I had written!  You guys should get a little sticker too!

Now to finish the book AND finish the other book I started so long ago that is posted here on facesintheclouds.  Those are the goals!  I’ll be back next week with my reflections on turning 41 (it happens this Thursday, folks).  Until then, have a JOYful Christmas!

just to let you know, today i passed 30,000 words, which means i am going strong and ahead of schedule.  its actually been pretty easy to keep up so far.  now watch, since i said that, tomorrow will come the worst case of writer’s block since man stopped chiseling on rocks.  but seriously, the fact of having to sit down and actually write something is really working for me.  i am getting into the habit of writing and the competition is really driving me.  if you have ever played any game or sport with me, you’ll know how very competitive i can be.  sometimes i purposely stay away from games because i turn into this lunatic who talks trash to her friends and yells strange and louder than usual words to her grown up playmates!

but in this case, the competition is good because i am only competing against myself.  the way to win the competition is to just write 50,000 words.  and there’s a neat little ‘stats’ counter that graphs my words per day and lets me know if i am on par and the average words per day i am writing, how many words per day i need to write to finish on time, and even the projected day i will finish based on my words per day written.  ooohhhh!!! it almost gets me giddy!!

well anyway, so if i don’t write anything too thrilling this month its cause all that energy is going into my competition!  and yeah, there will probably be a chance to read the book, several people have asked me that.  i am not sure how interesting it actually is, but hey, if you are willing to sit through it, i’m willing to let you take a crack.

and then after i win this competition, i am declaring december “national finish that fantasy novel you started 8 years ago” month.  yeah.  seriously.  that particular half finished work is available on this very blog. and i do really want to finish it.  I like the story a lot.  if you go read it, remember, it is a rough rough draft of a first draft.  I have already found little “oopses” in it.  if anyone wants to take notes on it and let me know what “oopses” you find, be my guest!!

well, if i don’t talk to you (and by “talk” i mean write on this blog) before thanksgiving, have a GREAT thanksgiving and remember to give thanks to the One who has graciously given us all things.  enjoy your family and friends and be joyful.

I feel like I have been stuck for a while myself.  This summer I went to a writer’s conference and I set a goal that in September I would start writing query letters to magazines and start trying to sell some articles.  Well, tomorrow is November 1st and guess how many queries I’ve sent out?  Yeah, exactly none.  Sigh.  I have written, though, you have been reading most of what I’ve been writing.  I have researched some magazines and that’s about it.

I keep wanting to write but life just gets away from me and it never seems to slow down at all.  There never seem to be enough hours in the day or I can’t seem to be disciplined enough to do the legwork or I am just too tired or unmotivated.  Being a writer is hard.  Well, no, being a writer is not hard, anyone can write.  Being a writer who gets things published is hard work.  I am in the first category wanting to move into the second category.  And slowly I am realizing that as much as I wish it were true, sitting around every day thinking that I want to be a writer who gets things published   is not going to make it happen.

So…just like the boat in my picture above would need help to move over the dune and make it to the ocean so that it could sail away, I need a little help to get me moving too.  I stumbled upon my help last week when I read about “National Write a Novel Month” and that month is November.  The goal is to write a novel, 175 pages or 50,000 words, in 30 days.  It starts November 1st.  So, like the crazy person I am, I signed up and committed myself to do this crazy thing.

This can either help unstick me or permanently cancel out my dream of being a writer, it is yet to be determined which it will be!  I promise to keep writing on my blog and I will give you updates on how I am doing.  My best friend has promised to stay on me and encourage me as I undertake this task.  I have heard that only about 20% of people who sign up actually finish the novel so we’ll see how I do!

So if I seem a little more frazzled and crazy than normal, that’s why!  I am going to give it my best and see what comes out of it!

What crazy thing are you doing in November?

“He has also set eternity in the heart  of man…”

“…Yet no one can fathom what  God has done from beginning to end.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Two years ago she began to walk in eternity.  Two years ago this world got a little darker, a little duller for all of us who knew her, who loved her, who had walked here with her.

The pain used to be sharp and intense like a knife slicing through my heart, my heart where I keep her close.  Now the pain is dull and throbbing, less intense but ever present in all that I do.

Some days tears fall from my eyes, but I use my head to hide my heart and I convince myself that there is no need for emotion.  But the truth is I fear that if the tears start, they will never stop, so I shut them up inside.

Two years ago I heard her voice for the last time as she cried out in desperation for the pain to be over.  That sound I remember all too clearly but I don’t remember much the sound of her laughing.   I think I should still be able to hear her voice and each day I think she should call me now.  But every day ends in silence just like the day before and the day before that.  Just like every day from now until the end of my life will end in silence from her.

Two years ago I told her I would see her later.  I could not bring myself to say goodbye and she told me that it was not the last time we would see each other.  I thought that as long as I never said the word she would never leave.  I was wrong.  I thought that as long as I believed the cancer would not win, that it would not.  I was wrong about that too.

Two years ago I saw her for the last time but what was there was only an empty shell; the heart of her was gone.   The heart of her was  alive and healthy, there laughing in eternity.  And there she smiles and makes funny faces and there her pain is gone and all that fills the heavens is the sound of her laughing.  Maybe I can let my tears come because I know that two years ago was not goodbye.  She is waiting there for me, for all of us, and she is laughing.

Elizabeth Bigham Apel May 16, 1969-September 21, 2009

I have two recurring dreams.  Or rather, the ideas are recurring, though according to so-called dream “experts” the content of most dreams is dreamt only once.”  But I have had two different dreams many, many times.  One is the one I had last night;  I dreamed that I was the age I am now, but the dream takes place in high school, with people from high school, about high school things.  It’s been 23 years since I was in high school.  It involves me missing try outs for softball and its my senior year.  The reality is that my senior year I was a super star on the softball field.  I played my position better than anyone else in the entire conference, I have a plaque on a wall that attests to that fact.  So why in the world would I dream over and over that somehow, 23 years later, I have managed to miss that opportunity?

The other recurring dream I have involves seeing people that I loved here on this earth who have since gone on to eternity.  Three different people, multiple dreams and each time, I know my time with them is limited and I am trying so desperately to hang on to them and not let go.  In my dream they are alive, but I know that they won’t be here much longer and I am trying to get to them, to see them before they go and always I have this sinking feeling in my heart, like I know I won’t make it in or time or always dreading their leaving.

Two different dreams, one recurring theme:  I am missing something.  Things I cannot control, things I cannot change and both haunt me relentlessly.  I hate these dreams, quite honestly, I really do.  Why?  Why do I dream about these things that only leave me waking up feeling like there is something I have missed?  I systematically go through my life and pull out my regrets one at a time and examine them again.  I have many, I do, but these two dreams do not correspond to any of them.  The people in my dream, I said goodbye to them and I miss them all terribly but know that I will see them again, so that’s not a regret.  I went as far as I could with my softball career and every game I have ever played in, I gave it everything I had, so no regrets there.

I don’t have an answer for myself.  All I know is that I need to try to live my life with no regrets, so that I will know that these dreams have no basis in reality.  I don’t want to get to the end of my life and see only regrets, only missed opportunities.

What about you?  Do you live your life in such a way as to not have regrets when you look back on your life?

Ever try to stuff toothpaste back inside the tube?  It doesn’t work at all, not even a little bit.

I can’t think of very many things that once they are out of the package, you can put them back in, at least and have them exactly as they were before they came tumbling, spilling or squirting loose.  Maybe bread, depending on where you drop it.

Sometimes I spill dog food when I am pouring from the gigantic value bag into the small air tight containers.  I usually just leave that alone and call it a scavenger hunt dinner for Lilypad and Chloe Dog.  They enjoy the change in dining experience:  the monotony of kibbles in stainless steel bowls in exchange for kibbles off a dusty, dog/cat hair covered floor…YUM.  Even so, if I were to pick up the bits and pieces of dog food from the floor, it would not be the same as it was before it came out of the bag.  It would return a little damaged, if that damage was only some extra dirt and hair.

Things like toothpaste, liquid soap, shampoo and conditioner are quite altogether different.  Once that stuff has come oozing out of its confined container, there is no recovering it unless you are willing to scrap toothpaste up off the counter for the next month to brush.  Some things just require more care and attention than others.

So it is with our words.  Sometimes they just come spilling out of our mouths in a very careless fashion.  We get angry and spew ugly things like a volcano spewing hot lava. We carry a joke too far and inflict deep wounds on another person.  We would never intentionally harm another person, especially someone we love and care for, yet still, we do.

But words, like toothpaste, once they have escaped, cannot be put back, we can’t get that moment back.  Sometimes I feel like I am a continual oozing tube of toothpaste.  I say things that wound, and no matter how hard I try, I can never stuff those hurtful words back into my mouth.

I can say “I’m sorry.” all day long.  And I can say “I didn’t mean to say that.” until I am blue in the face, but the fact is that if I had just been a little more discerning or shown a little more restraint, I wouldn’t need to repeat these little mantras that in reality, don’t mean much after the eruption of wounding words have flown from my lips.

How hard is it to just think before we speak?  How much simpler to just hold our tongues in check instead of allow them to wag freely?  It seems like it should be a simple answer, but it continues to be a daily exercise in self control that I have yet to master.  If I can just remember that, like toothpaste, my words are better kept in the tube, I would stop hurting people needlessly and I won’t have to mumble apologies that will never erase the pain my words cause.

How about you, how have you found ways to keep your words “in the tube”?